Last Years' Words
by midwintersilver
Summary: The dance was nice for a while, but now the constant spinning is making her sick. They have been to hell and back - but still they are together and not together. That stops now. (Oneshot ep fix for Season 9 ep 22, Trojan Horse.)


Not mine, just playing.

Episode fix for Season 9, Episode 22: Trojan Horse. These two love double-speak and avoidance mechanisms. What if they faced up to each other for once?

* * *

"If you love him, it doesn't really matter what I want."

The words were mumbled and tumbled together, the verbal equivalent of shoving dirt under the rug. They slipped out of his mouth as he turned to leave and Mac's look of disbelief met only his retreating back.

Even now, processing what could be a life-changing conversation, she admired the fighter-jock sway of his hips.

"Right. Harm."

"Mac." He injected the word with traumatised exhaustion, not the way she preferred her name to be said.

"We're having this conversation, or I'm going to have a conversation with you and you're going to listen. Either way…"

"Mac, this really isn't the time or place," he said out the side of his mouth. "D'you reckon this can wait 'till we're back?"

"No." She stalked off in the direction of a meeting room, gesturing for him to follow. At his long-suffering look she continued returning to grab him by the wrist and _pull_ him along, but refrained.

As soon as they were both inside, she shut the door and slid the bolt to. "Right. Harm," she started again, trying to ignore the antagonistic set of his body and his closed-off posture. "You always do this. You say that if I love him, it doesn't matter what you want."

"I will not steal anyone's girlfriend, Mac, particularly if said girlfriend can't state her intentions."

"I am not getting into a fight with you, I am stating the facts," she replied, suppressing her temper with an iron will. "The thing is, you're wrong."

"I'm wrong?" He stopped short of raising one eyebrow, knowing it would only antagonise her further, but looked decidedly unconvinced.

"Yes," she said impatiently. "You're wrong. Because it does matter what you want. It always matters what you want. Because _you're the one I want to be with."_

The disbelief on his feature morphed to a mixture of shock and hesitance. "What do you mean?" he asked, the possible misinterpretations of her statement forming a shield over his heart.

Mac wasn't giving this one up though, and she figured it was time to state her intentions. "No matter who I'm with…" she started taking measured paces across the room, realising this conversation would be easier if she wasn't looking directly at him and simultaneously hating her weakness… "I'm only with them because I can't be with you. And so here I am." She gave a weak, haunted laugh. "You're the one I want to want me, Harm. So if you do, and you're willing to give this a try, what Clay or Mic or Dalton wants doesn't matter. I'm with them because you're noncommittal or not ready or otherwise engaged. So there are my cards, and they're on the table. I want forever, and I want it with you. If you want to try that out, then I'm all in."

She sighed at the slight furrow in his brow, but didn't regret finally showing her hand. At least he couldn't accuse _her_ of being noncommittal or unclear about her intentions. If it took him some time to mull it over, then fine – but maybe he'd have some more to think about, and maybe that would be a good thing.

She squeezed his shoulder for a moment, looking deep into those stormy blue eyes that brimmed with both confidence and uncertainty. "It's okay," she said with a flick of her dark head, not moving her eyes from his, and realised she meant it. "You don't have to give me an answer now. It doesn't seem to work out when we do that anyway." Another haunted laugh, perhaps less strained than the last. "You can take some time to think about it, and I know you will…" she heard his deep exhale, like a sudden breeze which shifted the strands of her hair… "and tell me when you're ready. Just know that what you want matters more than anything, so I'd love it if you could work that out."

She turned to leave, and then "Mac," came like a plea, followed by a more confident "Sarah."

He took a deep, steadying breath as she turned back, and then continued. "You mean more to me than anyone in the world." He could have said that with fighter-jock surety, but what Mac heard was a man stripped down to his soul. "And I know I don't show it too well, but I'd choose your happiness over mine every time. I…" his breath caught… "I love you." He paused at the enormity of the words, then barrelled on. "And I think we might finally have got to a place where I want what you want." His tone was much less assertive than Mac would have expected, and his hands curled into fists as if he was fighting against himself.

"But?" Mac prompted gently, reeling from the "I love you" but sure he wasn't finished.

"But I'm not sure whether I'm the best choice for you."

" _What?_ " Well, that wasn't what she'd been expecting.

"I'm not sure I can give you what you want, Mac. And I want you to have everything."

"Well that's very virtuous of you, flyboy, but I'd have you know that I've scoped out the options and nothing measures up." Knowing that his objection wasn't serious lifted a weight off Mac's shoulders and the side of her mouth curled up in acknowledgement. "If you're ready to give this a shot – and we both know it's not going to be easy – then that's all I want."

"Yes." It was firm and surprisingly certain. "Yes, that's what I want."

"Good." She leaned up to put her arms around him. "This is going to be okay, you'll see."

He seemed to have regained his fighter-jock faculties as he answered with a lofty grin "It's us. Of course it will be."

"Oh, and Harm?" She mumbled into his chest.

He stroked her hair with his thumb and responded "mmmm?"

"I love you too."

He dropped a kiss on top of her head and replied in the same way she had. "Good."


End file.
